Quakerism in Couples Therapy
“When I became a therapist I thought it was the ethical thing to do to keep my religion off the couch. And in the beginning, that’s what I believed I was doing.
But as I reflect, I see that my Quakerism has been a central part of my work from the very beginning, even though I rarely mention it out loud.
The most common reason couples reach out to me is for help with conflict management. They are fighting more than they’d like and they find themselves doing and saying things they regret. They want to treat one another with kindness and learn what changes they can make to fight less and have more happiness.
I recognize that the Quaker Testimonies of Non-violence, Simplicity and Equality are a central part of my couples therapy sessions every single day.
Peace
Humans intrinsically want peace.
We want peaceful homes, peaceful conversations, and peaceful relationships. Conflict is not the absence of a desire for peace, it is what happens when we feel misunderstood. Generally, we increase the volume and intensity of our communications when we feel like we’re not being heard. This is not rational, but we do it anyway, and it leads to what is commonly called, “a fight”.
The more upset we become, the more difficult it is to be rational.
Adrenaline and cortisol are secreted when we become emotionally overwhelmed, so our brain tells our body to prepare for war instead of peace.
Once we understand the chemistry behind what is happening, it is a little easier to reconnect with the desire for peace. I encourage my clients to do the same thing I do myself when feeling overwhelmed.
Take a break.
By taking a break, the body will slowly realize it is not in a state of danger. Your heart rate and your breathing will settle down and your capacity for rational thought will be accessible again.
Simplicity
Once our heart rates are back down below 100 BPM, it’s time to return to work toward conflict management.
In this phase, couples are encouraged to speak their truth with kindness and to listen deeply to one another. The principle of simplicity is very helpful in achieving this goal.
When we are upset, we often speed up. There might be a rapid, steady flow of examples that rise quickly to our brains. We think of the ways that we are right and our partner is wrong. The train races down the track with examples of multiple times our partner has made mistakes that have hurt us. It might seem like a good idea to point out all of these things at once.
As it turns out, the more concise we can be with how we speak our truth, the easier it will be for our listeners to understand us…
Simplicity leads to more heartfelt communication. Something profound happens when people slow down to choose their words more deliberately. They remind themselves of the larger context of the conversation.
Equality
The third testimony that guides my couples therapy practice is equality.
I believe that there is that of God in all living beings. Of course, this belief is not checked at the door as soon as I start a session. I’m lucky that the values that I was taught in social work school are consistent with my Quaker values. Equality is the central theme for everything I do.
All people are equal. All people deserve to be heard and understood, and all people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. These are the ground-rules that I set in all my sessions. Of course, there is a lot of disagreement in my office, but I remind couples that they are communicating with someone they deeply love.
When we put equality front and center in our work, we recognize that there is no such thing as winning a fight with your primary romantic partner. By definition, that implies that your partner lost the fight, which does not set the stage for a loving balanced connection.
Therefore it’s essential to be grounded on the premise that no one needs to be wrong for someone else to be right. Both are right. Both versions of the truth are worthy of being heard.”
— Laura Silverstein, 2021 (source)
Quaker couples therapist
Reader Responses
How do you nurture your close relationships?
What do you need from them? What do you have to give? Is there a connection between the love you feel for others and the love you feel for Spirit?
"I am one of those people who answer their phones, one who will call people on the phone, sometimes texting first, depending on who it is. I speak to strangers. I make talk radio shows. I love hearing what people have to say, and so listening to my dearest friends and family opens my heart wide. This morning, for example, Before I turned the sound on, I saw the light on my screen brighten up and display an unknown phone number. For a split second, I considered letting it go to voicemail, but instead I answered. It was a friend who helps me sometimes who had not replied to a casual hello text a couple of months ago. I’d let it go because everyone’s busy, but he was calling me in response to the text, and he has not been doing so well. We had a good short talk and he left feeling better, and so did I. Now I have his new phone number, and an intention to talk again in a couple of weeks. Connecting with other people connects me with spirit. Whether it’s love, care, support, interest, or even curiosity, contact with another person is contact with Spirit." Patricia S., Richmond, VA, USA
This Week’s Messages
The Hardest Lesson
Become for Each Other the Presence of God
How Powerful it Is to Be Really Listened To
Joining in Marriage Is the Work of the Lord Only
How to Become a Member of a Spiritual Family
Quakers and Close Relationships
Banner art by Joey Hartmann-Dow
