The Power of a Quaker Clearness Committee

“[I] once sat on a clearness committee for a couple [where the husband had had an affair]. They had been married many many years, and are still happily married. What it took for them to get through this was commitment and courage. They both wanted to save their marriage; they both were willing to be radically honest and to listen to the other one speak… 

Quakers are good at hard conversations. We don’t argue or directly respond to each other but instead listen deeply, leave silence in between speeches, go into silence as a group when things start to get heated. There were four or five of us who were willing to sit with the couple, ask questions to help them say what needed to be set, be loving witnesses and supporters of their intention to heal their marriage.

They had to be very brave. They had to be brave enough to ask for help from others, which meant opening up the truth about their problem to other people, very hard for a couple whose relationship was looked up to by many as a model. They had to be brave enough to listen to each other’s pain and anger, and to take the slow steps needed to heal. They had to be brave enough to admit their failings and take painful steps…

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, watching these two take it down to the bone and put it back together again.”

— not that girl, 2010
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